When I Lost Faith

faith

I was sitting there in the recliner, everything I had ever learned or been taught seemed like a lie to me. I was horrified, angry, and really confused about my faith. How could I lose my faith?

Growing Up

I grew up in a Christian home. I didn’t know what it was like, not to attend church every Sunday morning and night and then the mid-week services on Wednesday night. When your dad is the pastor most of your life, you kind of have to go to church. When I would stay a week with my grandparents, I would always go to church with them. I didn’t know what it was like not to be in church and not to be in a Christian home. Honestly, I was quite blessed to be in that situation.

There was always that extra expectation that you had to be a little bit better than the other kids, because you were the preacher’s kid. I wouldn’t say I was rebellious, but I was very good at pushing the boundaries of what I could get away with. I was the instigator, I could get others to cause the trouble, but be innocent . . . or at least not get in trouble for it. My parents were good at saying I was just like any other kid that went to the church. They didn’t allow people to give me extra privileges because I was the preacher’s kid. The second someone wanted to give me candy or something and said, “oh he’s the preacher’s kid”; I knew I wasn’t getting it. LOL

We had our family devotions several times a week. Prayed at every meal. I was constantly surrounded by talk about the Bible. Trust me, my dad could make any situation turn into some reference to the Bible.

I was saved at an early age of 6. I knew I was a sinner and I knew Jesus was the only way. I was so on fire, I was trying to witness to everyone in my 1st grade class. I got several check marks by my name for talking too much, asking kids if they knew Jesus as their savior.

The Decline

I was so glad to go to college. I was able to get away from my small town. There was stuff to do now in the bigger town. By the time I had went to college, I was starting to struggle with my faith, but I didn’t realize it.

I really didn’t care for church anymore and I really didn’t care for most Christians. Being the preacher’s kid you overhear a lot of conversations, people don’t think kids can pick up on what’s going on, but they can. I remembered some of the most vile people I had ever met were in our church. As a kid that’s what I picked up on, not that there were only a few people like that, but those were the people that hurt my family. Although I didn’t want to be around church I still felt compelled to go. Some of my friends went, and I would go just to be around them.

College is an interesting experience. It is the first time you really have independence and can do what you want, and have little influence from your parents. There are a lot of new ideas being told to you. You’re meeting people that are very different than you (good and bad). There are a lot of people that take the truth of what you know and slowly try to twist it into something else.

After college I moved away to a town a little further away than what college was from my hometown. Now I truly was on my own. I paid my own bills. By this time I was not interested in church much at all. From my college days I saw a lot of fake people in church, not realizing I was being just as fake.

Mental Chaos

I finally move back to the town I went to college in for a job. Working in the science field I was constantly bombarded with evolution stuff. I remember reading a book about how all cultures have stories that are similar to the Bible and the Bible was a new rendition of ancient stories.

I remember sitting in the reclining chair reading this book and I’m just thinking, what if everything I was taught was a lie? What if everything I believe in was wrong? My mind was racing with thoughts. What do I do? How do I tell my parents I don’t believe what they believe anymore? Is evolution even right? Is there a God?

Peace

After all these thoughts came rushing through and a good time after just sitting there wondering what was going on, another wave of thoughts came rushing through.

Through all of this I continued to read my Bible, why I don’t know. I came across Proverbs 25:2 ” It is the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings is to search out a matter.” That calm voice inside that said remember when you were in those car wrecks and should have been dead, that was me. Remember when your house was surround by fire within 5 feet when the leaves were on the ground and it was dry, but the house was unharmed? That was me. Remember how you were pinned between a wall and a forklift and should have been crushed, but you walked away? That was me. Do your research ask questions. I remember the peace.

For the next few weeks I was reading articles supporting evolution and creationism with a lot of intensity. I remember coming to the conclusion that God was real. Evolution was the worlds way of trying to remove God from the picture. To remove him from science, even though he created the order science tries to study.

We Can All Lose It

We can all lose our faith at some point in our lives. If you looked at how I grew up, most would say I had no reason to. I was in a Christian home and well taken care of. I never had to worry about if I would have food or clothing. God had always provided well for my family. I was in a career where I was starting to make a better salary.

Reality is, we can all lose our faith. I’m not going to lie, I felt a lot of guilt about it for awhile. How could I lose it? However, that was one of the best things for me in my journey. I became closer to God, my faith is actually stronger because of my lack of faith at one time. It also showed me how much God loves me and the patience he is willing to have with me even when I’m questioning his existence.

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